The general rule when a friend is seriously ill is that you find a way to say, “I am here for you.” A get-well card or simple note can help your friend feel loved, connected and more hopeful. That small gesture can be powerful, and it's not unusual for people to remember for years who did – and did not -- send along cards.
On the other hand, patients may not want to talk about their diagnosis, particularly at work, where they don't want to appear weak. Start by briefly expressing concern, but then take your cues from the person who is ill. Respect your colleagues' need either to talk or to protect their privacy. Here are more Do's and Don'ts for responding to serious illness in your workplace:
Do:
- Show that you care. The precise words that you use, or the gift that you choose to send, matter far less than the fact that you’ve reached out, and let the patient know that they’re not alone.
- Listen. Etiquette expert Peggy Post says that you may struggle for the right words for someone who has a debilitating or terminal disease, “but just listening to the patient is often preferable to talking.” Sometimes people just need to be heard.
- Act normal. The American Cancer Society says that “one of your most important actions is treating the person with cancer just as you would normally.” Keep your sick colleague in the loop, and don't make assumptions about what they can and cannot do.
- Remember the partner. When someone is ill, their spouse or other caregiver faces a serious challenge as well. They may need help with errands, relief so they can leave the bedside to take care of business, or just a chance to vent.
- Just do it. When you offer to help, the patient or their family may not be sure that you mean it, or perhaps they won't know just how to respond. Make precise suggestions, like “how about if I take the kids on Tuesday?” Cancer survivor and peer counselor Margaret Volpe suggests that “If you see something that needs to be done, tell the patient you're going to do it.” Take the initiative, whether it means mowing the lawn or covering for a colleague at an important meeting.
- Get organized. When a sick person needs prolonged help with meals, transportation or other care, it's best if the community gets organized and makes assignments, particularly if the patient lives alone. For example, it may be helpful for one friend to ask about food preferences, and then assign other friends to make deliveries on specific days. And do keep in mind that the gang at work may be the patient's primary community.
- Share stories about your own illnesses. It may make you feel better, but the patient could feel worse.
- Give unsolicited advice. You don't know all the details, and it's better to listen than to make premature suggestions.
- Offer false cheer. When the situation is serious, glib statements like, “don't worry” and “it'll be OK” can be insensitive and annoying. A more effective way to be positive is to focus on the most encouraging aspects of the situation, with comments like, “you've put together an excellent medical team.”
- Comment on appearance. It's bad form to draw attention to the ravages of illness. Don't tell the patient that, for example, “You're so pale!” On the other hand, my sister, Libby Vick, a recent breast cancer survivor, suggests that you “tell anyone going through chemotherapy that they look beautiful...Simply telling a friend that she looks beautiful is much better than the standard, ‘How ARE you?'”
- Become impatient with emotion. Even normally upbeat people may become emotional or depressed when they are ill. Facing a life-threatening disease is traumatic, and the drugs that help fight the disease may undercut the patient's poise. While emotional displays aren't generally appropriate in the workplace, sometimes you just have to be willing to listen.
- Take things too personally. It's normal for a person's interests and priorities to change while they are struggling with a serious diagnosis. Don't feel rejected or let down if the patient needs to change the social routine, to be quieter than usual, or to spend time alone or with other survivors.